Chicken, Capes and Magical Creatures
by thegirlformerlyknownasB
Summary: A collection of one shots featuring your favorite artists like Blaine Anderson and Kurt Hummel. Special Guests: The Warblers! Your favorite stars are back in these hit one shots including: Pandas, AIDS, and NERF, IS THAT MY UNDERWEAR?, Hobbits, Wood Nymphs, and Chicken, and oh so much more! Pay no cost, shipping or handling! It's priceless.
1. Hobbits, Wood Nymphs, and Chicken

**Just some random thoughts in my head that made me laugh. Here they are in word form.**

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><p>Kurt and Blaine text constantly, obviously, but sometimes their conversations are really weird. For example, one day Blaine got a new phone, and with it a new phone number. The following conversation ensued:<p>

Kurt: _Is this your new number?_

Blaine: _No. I gave you the number of a large black man that is going to kidnap you and take you to Zimbabwe. I don't know where that is, but that would be weird, so that's going to happen._

Kurt: _It's definitely in Africa…_

Blaine: _That makes sense… whoops. Imma dummy :) I want chicken._

Kurt: _Okay? Congrats… haha How am I supposed to respond to that? What is the socially acceptable way to respond to a statement such as that? Because I would certainly like to know._

Blaine: _You are supposed to feel bad for my lack of chicken._

Kurt: _Okay. Blaine, I am so very sorry for your lack of chicken. I wish many chickens upon you right this second._

Blaine: _My room is now full of poultry, you silly boy. :)_

Kurt: _Well, you had to have your precious chicken!_

Blaine: _Now there is an abundance! I need to dispose of them._

Kurt: _I hope you eat them all, because we wouldn't want you wasting good chicken, now would we?_

Blaine: _There are 37275826538362. I cannot eat them all._

Kurt: _Then what shall you do?_

Blaine: _So. Much. Chicken. I am now setting my room on fire to roast them._

Kurt: _Don't let the house burn down, and remember to stop, drop and roll if you catch on fire!_

Blaine: _I'm already on fire… look at what you've done! :(_

Kurt: _I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention. :(_

Blaine: _Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say._

Kurt: _Okay, you got me. That was my plan from the start. This is was all part of an elaborate ruse to catch you on fire._

Blaine: _… as if my life couldn't get any worse. Now I am in flames and feel like I'm going to die._

Kurt: _NOOOO! You're not going to die. I will save you._

Blaine: _hahaha Yeah right. That's not going to work._

Kurt: _:/ I will still try to save you._

Blaine: _Well, thank you!_

Kurt: _:) No need to thank me- I'm a superhero. It's what I do._

Blaine: _haha Oh jeez._

Kurt: _My cape is quite impressive. :D_

Blaine: _No way!_

Kurt: _Yeah. I got it at Walmart._

Blaine: _Liar. You don't shop at Walmart._

Kurt: _Fine. I got it at CVS. Just don't tell anyone, okay? Nobody is supposed to know that that's where all the superhero gear is… _

Blaine: _You are such a wood nymph._

Kurt: _What did you just say, hobbit?_

Blaine: _Ouch, go for the height why don't you?_

Kurt: _It's not my fault you're short!_

Blaine: _But I fit perfectly in your arms. :)_

Kurt: _… true fact. But that's soooo not the point. The point is that you are a hobbit and I am not a wood nymph._

Blaine: _If I'm a hobbit, then you are definitely a wood nymph. They're magical and beautiful and graceful._

Kurt: _Fine. If I'm going to be a nymph, though, then I'm going to be a snow nymph. So there. :P_

Blaine: _Fine with me. :)_

Kurt: _I love you, short stuff._

Blaine: _I love you too, beautiful._

Kurt: _I think I just got a cavity._

Blaine: _Shut up._

Kurt: _I'm not technically saying anything!_

Blaine: _Well, then stop texting!_

Blaine: _Ummm… Kurt?_

Blaine: _Baby, I was kidding._

Blaine: _Kurt?_

Kurt: _I am not a wood nymph._

Blaine: _Fine. But I'm not a hobbit._

Kurt: _Yes you are, so get over it._

Blaine: _I want chicken._

Kurt: _O_O_


	2. MisHappy Birthday

**The first chapter was really well recieved, and I figured since a lot of people alerted it, I might as well add to it. Not sure if it's going to be multi-chaptered or not. Depends what you guys say!**

**By the way, that texting conversation was part of one I had, and part of an interview with Darren Criss about Chris Colfer. This chapter is part of what happened to me on my birthday yesterday and part my imagination. Enjoy! :)**

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><p>"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Haaaaappppyyyy dear Kuuuuuuuuu-rrrrrrrt! Happy birthday tooooo you!" Kurt was still in bed when he heard voices singing to him.<p>

"Whaaaa?" He groaned as he sat up to the sight of Wes and David standing directly next to his bed. Wes shoved an omelet at him. The omelet had birthday candles on it.

"Make a wish!" David yelled unbearably loud for that early in the morning.

"I wish that you would go away…" Kurt mumbled, but blew out the candles regardless. "Why did you give me an omelet?" This was the strangest thing Kurt had ever woken up to, and he has woken up to some really strange things.

"It's a Birthday Omelet! And your breakfast!" Kurt didn't know which person said it, for he had already started eating it.

"Wow, this is surprisingly good!" He began to shove the omelet down his throat in a typical boy manner, and not so typical Kurt manner.

"Is it as good as your hair right now?" Wes asked with a smirk. David laughed appreciatively at his best friend's joke. Kurt froze in his spot, a piece of omelet hanging out of his mouth.

".god. CRAP!" Kurt dashed from the bed, throwing the omelet who-knows-where and ran to the bathroom to fix his hair. Twenty minutes later, he came out of the bathroom to a note.

_Kurt-_

_We got really bored waiting for you, so we left. Happy birthday. :) We're really upset you wasted that omelet- we put a lot of sweat, blood and tears into buying it from Bob Evans. _

_Wes & David_

"Why do I hang out with them again?" Kurt asked no one in particular. He heard a rustling noise from behind him, and a voice answer him.

"Because you love us!" Blaine exited his closet as Kurt let out a blood-curdling scream.

"Blaine, I swear to whoever is up there for gay kids that I will kill you if you ever do that to me again!" He tried to sound stern, but it didn't work when Blaine wrapped him in his arms and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I hate you." Kurt whispered.

"I hate you, too." Blaine smiled cheesily.

"So what were you doing in my closet?" Yeah, sure, Blaine is Kurt's boyfriend, but that doesn't give him full rights to creep around in his wardrobe. There are limits to what boyfriends can do.

"Surprising you for your birthday. Wes and David made you an omelet, and I scared you half to death. It's all part of a plan." Blaine looked at Kurt deviously. Kurt got a sinking feeling in his stomach. He knew it was going to be an interesting day.

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><p>After going out to lunch, receiving a stuffed animal hamster and a bunch of balloons from Blaine, Kurt felt satisfied about the day.<p>

"Wait, what day is today?" Kurt asked, stopping in his tracks on the way back into his house.

"The 26." Blaine stated. He was very confused by Kurt's sudden outburst of laughter. His face turned bright red and he looked as though he was having a heart attack. "What's so funny?"

"I'll tell you later."

* * *

><p>Kurt and Blaine went down to Kurt's room to go over the latest issue of Vogue- because boys can do that, too. Kurt showed Blaine the scarf his dad got him as an early birthday present. They chatted amiably until they heard Kurt's dad calling him upstairs.<p>

"What do you want?" Kurt asked sassily when he got upstairs. His question was overshadowed by a huge scream of "KURT!" from all of his New Directions pals. They immediately burst into a rousing version of Happy Birthday, complete with Rachel solos and Mercedes riffing. It was actually kind of impressive.

"Thank you so much, everyone! I really appreciate it!" Kurt couldn't keep the grin off his face at how much his friends cared about him.

"Your welcome, white boy!" Mercedes laughed and hugged Kurt.

"Yes, happy birthday, Kurt." Rachel agreed. Everyone else each gave him a special birthday wish and they presented him with a $100 iTunes card.

"Sorry we had to get you something so impersonal. We couldn't agree on what to get you," Finn admitted sheepishly.

"Finn, you live with me. You could have asked me what I wanted when my birthday came around…"

"Oh, right." Everyone laughed at the exchange, and after no time at all, they had to leave. Everyone except Blaine, that is. Kurt slipped into the kitchen with his dad while Blaine cleaned up some streamers the New Directions members brought.

"Why did they wish you a happy birthday, Kurt?"

"I don't know." Kurt shrugged.

* * *

><p>The next surprise took place at 8pm that night. A large white van pulled into the Hummel-Hudson driveway, and two masked figures ran out of it. They began banging on the front door and screaming. Kurt and Blaine ran to the door, and being stupid as they are, opened the front door and went outside. Kurt was immediately bombarded by silly string; it got everywhere on him- his hair, mouth, face, under his shirt, in his pants.<p>

"My hair! My hair!" He screamed the entire time. Blaine and the two masked people laughed hysterically as this went on, but Kurt could think of nothing but his precious hair. When the silly string ran out, the two figures grabbed Kurt by the arms and dragged him to the van. Another masked person sat in the driver's seat. That person slipped a tiara on Kurt's head and shoved a cookie cake at him. The cookie cake said, "Have a Gleetastic (get it?) b-day!" Kurt stood in the driveway, absolutely horrified.

"Happy birthday!" The boys yelled as they revealed themselves to be Jeff, Nick and Flint. They were all grinning wildly, Blaine included, and couldn't stop laughing. They felt like their insides were going to explode from laughter. Kurt simply glared at them; he did not find the situation humorous in any way.

"I hate you all! I thought I was going to get kidnapped and raped! AND, you could have seriously mess up my hair! What were you thinking!" All the boys looked away from Kurt's eyes, still laughing. Even Kurt's anger couldn't distract from the sight of Kurt in a tiara covered with silly string.

"We were thinking that we wanted to totally upstage Wes and David's Birthday Omelet." Nick yelled gleefully.

"Yeah, and I think we succeeded!" Jeff agreed.

"This was pretty awesome, and it certainly made my day!" Flint laughed. Kurt turned accusingly towards Blaine.

"Did you set all of today up?"

"Yeah! Didn't you like it?" He replied excitedly. Kurt smiled at him sweetly.

"Despite being mauled with silly string, this was pretty funny. And you did set up the whole day just for me… thank you, Blaine." The two kissed softly on the lips as the other three boys stood there making gagging and puking noises.

"Shut up!" Blaine snapped quickly, but then laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. Kurt pulled some silly string out of his hair.

"But, baby…" Kurt began softly with a smirk on his face.

"What?" Blaine asked, not expecting what Kurt was about to say.

"My birthday isn't until tomorrow."


	3. Rapturpocazombielypse

**So, hears just an idea I had based on what was supposed to happen today. If anybody has any ideas for what else I could do with this, I will gladly take prompts; as long as they're ridiculous and hilarious and you don't mind if I screw them up big time. :) **

**I don't own the characters, but I own the plot. Enjoy.**

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><p>"Everybody knows the plan, right?" The boys all nod their heads simultaneously. "Okay, good. Let's go get him!" Wes and David have a plan up their sleeves, and it should end with an amusing result.<p>

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><p>Kurt Hummel is sitting in his house reading a magazine, minding his own business. Blaine is supposed to come to his house in about a half hour, so Kurt is just trying to waste time until his boyfriend arrives. The sound of a door opening upstairs alerts him to his boyfriend's arrival, for Blaine never knocks. 'That's strange,' Kurt thought, 'why's he so early? He's rarely even on time!'<p>

Kurt walks up the stairs in anticipation of seeing Blaine; he hasn't seen Blaine since yesterday, and that is too long a period of time for both of the boys. There is a scuffling sound as Kurt opens the door to the main floor of the house. He looks around the living room and doesn't see his boyfriend there like he usually is.

"Blaine?" Kurt gets a chilly feeling in his bones. This can't be a coincidence… It's May 21: the day for judgement/ zombie apocalypse day /whatever. "Hello, Blaine?" Kurt walks into the kitchen and through all the other rooms on the main floor of his house. Kurt's boyfriend is no where to be found, but Kurt swears he heard someone enter his house. Or some_thing._ Now he's feeling really sick and he has a gross swirly feeling in the pit of his stomach. Kurt enters his bedroom again and walks down the stairs, though the scared feeling has not yet left him.

Kurt's breaths begin to speed up faster. He is never one to be paranoid, but at this moment, he has a right to be. He still has the feeling that somebody is watching him. Kurt gets down the stairs and turns to his bed.

"Hey!" He hears a loud voice yell from behind him and he lets out a piercing, obnoxiously high-pitched scream. His breath is really loud and he turns with a look of wrath to his boyfriend, doubled over in hysterical laughter.

"BLAINE ANDERSON! I am going to freakin' KILL you!" He swats Blaine's shoulder as hard as he can, which makes the boy laugh even harder.

"I can't believe I just did that to you again!" He can barely breathe, for he is laughing much too fervently. "I just did this to you last week!"

"You will rue this day, Blaine." Kurt threatens. "Rue it, I tell you!" Blaine finally stops laughing and glances at his boyfriend whose face is so red he looks as though he could blow up at any second.

"Calm down, Kurt. There is no need to get so worked up about this…" He feels bad about scaring the other boy, but, oh God, was that funny.

"Blaine, I'm sorry but I just cannot calm down. You hid in my closet! Again! I'm starting to think you're some kind of creepy stalker guy in one of those horror movies and one day you're just going to murder me in the night or something but I really hope that you wouldn't do that because that would be really really lame and I would have to kill you and then I'd get arrested and you'd be dead which would also be really really lame and the situation would just end up very poorly, so I just really suggest you not hide in my closet again, because as I stated before that's just really creepy and, oh God, I think I'm getting hysterical or something because I keep on rambling and I have taken a breath or anything, and speaking of breathing, I really need to do that now, so…." Kurt takes a breath,"… wait, what was I saying again?"

"You were rambling about-" Blaine begins.

"Oh yeah! Stop. Hiding. In. My. Closet." All Blaine can do in response is laugh some more at his poor boyfriend's expense.

"Okay, babe. Let's go to the park to get you some fresh air. You seriously need to calm down."

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><p>Kurt looks at his designer watch: 5:55pm. "Umm… Blaine?" He begins, quietly and unsure of how to breach the topic. "Do you believe in the rapture?"<p>

"No." Blaine states surely. Kurt lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. "But I do believe in the zombie apocalypse!" He begins to walk with a skip in his step as his boyfriend slows his stroll, simply staring at him.

"Because zombies are real…" Kurt says slowly, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Yes!" Blaine agrees, ignoring the blatant sarcasm. "And they thoroughly enjoy apocalypse-ing." He turns around to look up at his boyfriend who has stopped dead in his tracks.

"You realize that I may never be able to associate myself with you anymore, right?" Blaine gives him his 'bi-otch-please' look, which is a pathetic imitation of Kurt's, but it gets his point across.

"You love me." He says smugly. It's now Kurt's turn to give Blaine the same look, and though they would probably love to spend the rest of the night sending each other looks and trying to out-diva each other (even though Kurt always wins, Blaine puts up a fair fight), they hear a moaning sound from behind them and Kurt looks at his watch again.

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><p>6:00pm<p>

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><p>They both turn around in a comically slow manner. Simultaneously, they let out shrills loud and high enough to be mistaken for the blonde female murder victims in horror movies. Then, they begin running down the path through the woods they were previously taking a nice stroll through.<p>

"I told you so!" Blaine yells in between pants. He can't help but feel frustrated by his short legs, but it doesn't really matter, for Kurt stays in perfect sync with him anyway.

"You know that flair on Facebook that says 'If the zombies come after us, I'm tripping you' or whatever? Well, I'd really like to trip you right now…" Kurt admits guiltily. It horrifies Blaine, and lets whatever guilt he was harboring for being responsible for Kurt's fear completely dissipate. Kurt deserves what's coming to him.

The moans from behind them get louder as more and more bodies begin chasing them. Kurt can't look back again, for the first sight was gruesome enough. He can't believe it; he and Blaine are being chased by zombies. Kurt wants to swear at the top of his lungs, but he needs all the oxygen he can get. He regrets not running more often.

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><p>As Kurt and Blaine run along the path, the "zombies" are trying very hard not to laugh their butts off. Kurt looks so scared, and Wes swears he just saw Kurt pee his pants. They all have to stay in character, though.<p>

"Ugggggghhhhhhhhhhh!" They all yell, through their makeup and costumes, trying to personify dead beings. If Kurt hadn't been so paranoid about the day, he probably would have laughed at Wes, David and Blaine for coming up with a plan like this, but instead he fell for it.

"Are you getting all of this?" David whispers over to Jeff.

"Are you kidding? Heck yes!"

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><p>Kurt and Blaine finally reach Blaine's car and they hop in just as the zombies bombard the car. They hit it and kick it and moan as loud as they possibly can, really and truly getting into the theatrics of it all.<p>

"Oh, shiiiii-" Blaine begins.

"What!" Kurt interrupts, something he's been doing more and more often.

"My keys must have fallen out of my pocket when we were running!"

"WHAT?" Kurt's shriek probably can be heard from miles upon miles away. He begins hyperventilating, and Blaine has to stifle the urge to laugh at the hysterical boy. "Oh my God. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die."

"I'm going to die to!" Blaine points out, considerably less upset than Kurt.

"I don't care if you're going to die! I'm never going to Broadway! Oh my freakin' Baby Jesus!" Blaine looks at him, and if looks were zombies, Kurt would be dead.

"Fine," he begins sourly, "I'll go find my keys. Don't miss me if I die."

"Wait!" Kurt yells frantically, on the verge of tears. He smashes his lips up against Blaine's and both of them are left short of breath.

"Don't worry, I'll be safe. I promise you I'll come back." Blaine says bravely. He knows he'll be safe, for he helped come up with the plan in the first place, but it is still a very brave thing to do considering it is Wes and David in charge out there.

"I just didn't want to die without having participated in a passionate kiss…" Kurt admits guiltily. Blaine really doesn't like his boyfriend right now.

"Goodbye, my love." Blaine says in a way that lacks luster but seems to satisfy Kurt.

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><p>He opens the door quickly and hops out with a loud 'hi-ya' and a legitimate kung fu pose that is nothing less than impressive. He lets out a few fake screams as the zombies supposedly tear him limb from limb and consume his brain and organs. Nick splatters fake blood all over his car's windshield, and Blaine groans at how hard that will be to wash off.<p>

"You know, if there is ever an actually zombie attack, I might just have to offer Kurt as bait…" Blaine jokes to Jeff, who is catching every single moment of the attack on his video camera. "And I really hope you're going to put this on Facebook."

"Are you kidding? This video is going viral. Everyone will see it."

"Excellent!" Blaine grins devilishly.

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><p>"I cannot believe you all tricked me!" Kurt is astonished at how mean his friends can truly be, but even more so at how they actually managed to have enough makeup and fashion skills to make themselves look like zombies.<p>

"It's because we love you, babe!" Blaine says with a 'forgive me' smile plastered on his face.

After Blaine was supposedly eaten, Kurt got out of the car and pretty much told them to eat him. The Warblers took off their masks or wiped off their face makeup and crumpled to the floor laughing. No one had ever seen Kurt as furious as in that moment. Not even when Nick and Jeff silly stringed Kurt's hair. They knew they were in deep trouble with him, and that just made the event even more hilarious.

"Well, he did it because he loves you. We did it because it was funny!" Wes exclaims enthusiastically.

"Yeah, we're always up for a good prank!" David agrees. They fist bump happily as Kurt tries to stab them, unsuccessfully, with his eyes.

"I hate you all." Suddenly, moaning is heard from the woods and zombies come out from the path. All the boys just stand in the parking lot, staring at the intruders. "You're not zombies!" Kurt states angrily. He has had enough of this. There will be no one else tricking him.

"Oh, man!" Finn exclaims as he pulls his mask off. The rest of New Directions is seen shuffling off to a car and getting in.

"I told you they wouldn't fall for it!" Puck is heard complaining as they go.

"At least it wasn't a rapture…" Blaine offers, helpfully.

"Shut up."


	4. Pandas, AIDS, and NERF

**This comes from NCISAddict98 (hope I got that right). So here you go! Hope you enjoy. :)**

Chapter 4

"Agent Panda, do you read me? Over!" David called into his walkie talkie. It was dark in the woods surrounding Wes's house. He should have been more stealthy, but he was too oblivious for stealth. Therefore, he was not stealthy.

"You are extraordinarily racist for a black guy, Agent…. Hmmm…." Wes tried to think of a good codename for David. "Agent AIDS! Over," he said snarkily and stuck his tongue out, even though David could not see that action.

"HA. HA. You're so freakin' hilarious. Over." If the two boys weren't best friends, they'd have killed each other long before that night.

"Yeah, I know!" Wes replied happily. "Have you checked up on the Questionables, yet?" There was a pause in the conversation and David did not respond. Wes rolled his eyes dramatically and his friend's stubbornness. "Over," he added drily.

"I've tried, but they haven't answered any of my calls. They're our teammates, and their not doing a very good job on our team. I told you we should have put Kurt and Blaine on our team instead. I wonder what they're do-OH!" David yelped into his walkie talkie. "Well, I found them. They're certainly not Questionables anymore! Over." David could barely finish his last sentence through his laughter.

"How so?" Another pause came, this one a little longer than the previous pause. "Gosh darn you, David! OVER!"

"They're gay. Definitely gay. Over." Wes couldn't help but feel really awkward for Nick and Jeff. That is not how he would want to come out if he were in the same situation. Which he isn't. Really. Seriously. He's not.

"So what do we call them now? Over."

"Hold on a second, over!" There was a scuffling noise from the other end and muttered profanities. Wes began to get slightly worried. What was going on?

"David? David?" He questioned. "Over," he finished.

"It's okay, I'm good. Nick and Jeff just attacked me for calling them Sex Monkeys and sending a picture of them gettin' it on to Facebook. Over."

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><p>"Hobbit to Wood Nymph, Hobbit to Wood Nymph! Have you seen Wes and David yet? They're masters at this game, you need to be careful! Over" Blaine silently crept through the woods, with much more stealth than most would assume he had.<p>

"I can't believe you're making me do this. I can't believe you're calling me that even though we've been over this one million times! And I can't believe- AAAAAH!" Blaine heard a scream from the other end that made him cringe.

"Kurt, are you okay? Over." There was a pause. "Did you find Wes and David or Nick and Jeff? Over for reals this time." He heard heavy breathing coming from Kurt, and if Blaine hadn't been afraid for Kurt's life he might have been a little turned on.

"One, I'm okay. Two, I did not find them. Three, where the heck are Thad and Flint and why aren't they helping us? And four, did you seriously just say 'for reals'?" Kurt got no response. "Are you really going to make me say over?" Kurt got more silence from Blaine's end. "Over."

"Sorry, Kurt, that's the way the game's played. Over."

"I really don't like this game!" Pause. "Over…"

* * *

><p>"Panda! Panda! I've spotted the Love Birds!" David yelped.<p>

"Jeff and Nick? So? They're on our team…" Wes said slowly as though explaining something to a little kid.

"No, Jackie Chan, Kurt and Blaine!"

"Jackie Chan knows Kurt and Blaine?"

"No, you're Jackie Chan and I see Kurt and Blaine!"

"Then where are Jeff and Nick?" Wes asked, completely confused.

"No where! I wasn't talking about them! I was talking about Kurt and Blaine!" David ran after Kurt and Blaine aiming his nerf gun at them.

"Then what about Jackie Chan?" David stopped in his tracks.

"Are you really that stupid?" Wes was about to reply when he heard a scream from the other end. The scream came from a voice that wasn't David's.

"Are _you_ really that stupid?" Thad yelled with fury. He pelted David with nerf bullets and David fell to the ground dramatically screaming 'man down! man down!'. Wes crumpled to his knees where he stood, about twenty feet from where David's death bed was.

"NOOOO! He was so young!"

* * *

><p>"Well, that was really close!" Blaine exclaimed once they had left David behind. They were now standing next to each other panting. They hadn't even realized they were so close to each other during their earlier conversation, but then they bumped into each other as they were running from the maniac.<p>

"You people have severe mental illnesses!" Kurt stated.

"You just noticed?" Blaine laughed, completely amused at Kurt's reactions to his life's daily occurrences. Texting about chickens, getting silly stringed, making zombie movies and having epic nerf gun battles were pretty common in his life. And really, Kurt hadn't seen anything yet. Suddenly, they heard a ton of screams from where they just came from. Blaine immediately turned around and began jogging in that direction.

"Do you want to get yourself killed, Blaine?" Kurt asked as though that wasn't exactly what Blaine was trying to do.

"That's the whole point of the game, Kurt!"

* * *

><p>Wes went running towards where David's cries had come from once he picked himself up off the ground. It was time for revenge, and someone was going to get it. When he reached the spot David was lying down on the ground on, he went over to the boy and knelt down beside him.<p>

"David?" Wes inquired. "David?" He grabbed said boy on the shoulders and shook him up and down roughly. "David! Please! Come back to me!" Wes's acting became even more hysterical. "Oh cruel world! How could you take him from-"

"Oh my God, Wes, shut up!" David yelled harshly. Wes's eyes opened ridiculously wide.

"David? You're alive!" Wes went to hug David when he felt a slap across the face.

"No, I'm dead. Shut up and go away!" He said harshly, not feeling guilty at all after having his brain rattled around through too much shaking. Wes made a high-pitched whining noise.

"You suck. Go die," Wes spat.

"I'm already dead, genius."

* * *

><p>"Wait, so how do I shoot this thing again?" Kurt asked, a little puzzled. He pointed it all over trying to figure out where he was supposed to put his fingers, making them stop on their way to battle.<p>

"I thought you said you nearly killed a squirrel with it," Blaine said.

"I did. I nearly beat it to death!" Blaine looked at his boyfriend incredulously. "Wait, you actually thought I shot the thing?" Kurt laughed exuberantly. "That's a good one, Blaine. What would even make you think I knew how to use one of these things?"

"Your dad threatened me with a shot gun…" A horrified expression crossed Blaine's face at the memory.

"Oh… right."

* * *

><p>"So, I guess it's just the three of us now, Sex Monkeys!" Wes exclaimed as the boys began to converse.<p>

"We would really you not call us that…" Nick complained.

"I don't mind!" Nick glared at Jeff. "Oh, I mean, crap. I guess I do mind." They had just gotten together and Jeff really didn't want to mess up anything already.

"You guys are seriously no fun," Wes complained, pouting.

"Will you stop bothering us? Because we can leave, you know. And we will leave."

"But _Niiiiiiiick_!" Jeff groaned. Only Nick's bi-otch please look could rival Kurt's, so Jeff began to look a little scared. He gulped loud enough that the other two boys could hear it.

"Umm… yeah. What he said." Wes rolled his eyes and went back to discussing his plan.

"They still have four people on their team: Thad, Flint, Blaine and Kurt. Though Kurt isn't really a benefit to them, he isn't really a weakness for them either; unless, of course, we make him one. If all of us target Kurt, then Blaine will be forced to defend him. We'll knock Blaine and Kurt out quickly and move on to Thad and Flint."

"Solid, dude!" Jeff exclaims and he and Wes fist bump.

"Are you sure you're gay, Jeff?" Wes joked.

"Well, actually…" Whatever Jeff was going to say trailed off because Nick had raised one eyebrow in preparation for a full-blown _look_ and Jeff was already in enough trouble as it was. "Yes. I definitely, definitely am."

"Okay, let's go Lady PMS and her Slave!" Wes exclaimed, and Jeff and Nick both responded with crude gestures involving their middle fingers.

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><p>"Blaine, I really don't get it at all!" Kurt complained. Suddenly, a bullet flew right past his head. Blaine had walked a few yards away in frustration at Kurt's lack of understanding, so he didn't even notice. "Umm… Blaine!" Kurt called, flustered. He tried to remember what his boyfriend told him to call if he was under attack. "Ambush?"<p>

Three faces popped up surrounding the clearing Kurt hadn't even noticed he was in. He was a sitting duck. "Please don't mess up my hair!" He pleaded with the enemies.

"Don't worry, Kurt! I'm here to save you!" Blaine yelled as he ran dramatically into the center of the clearing with Kurt. "Get down on the ground. This is going to get pretty dirty."

"Umm… the ground is dirty, too!" Kurt tried to point out, but Blaine was already busy shooting in every which way he possibly could. He spun around in circles shooting frantically, and bullets were flying everywhere. He heard a grunt and a fall.

"It's just down to you and me, Jeff." Kurt heard Wes say.

"Hello, Jeff!" Nick called, agitated. "Your darling boyfriend has just died! Aren't you going to say anything?"

"So?" Jeff was a much more masculine male than Nick, and Nick secretly (or not so secretly) fancied himself a damsel in distress and Jeff his knight in shining armor. Nick huffed and lay back down where he had been before.

Kurt heard another grunt, and suddenly Blaine's face was on the ground next to his. His face was contorted into a pained expression, and Kurt felt genuine worry at how sick and hurt he looked.

"Blaine, baby, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine!" He laughed and smiled, looking completely okay. "Sorry I died. You have to go shoot at them now, or we'll lose." Kurt gulped and stood up, ready to face two boys.

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><p>Wes aimed and took a shot. Bullseye. Wes got him straight in the forehead.<p>

"Ouch, what the heck, dude?" Jeff complained. "What did you do that for?" Jeff rubbed his forehead.

"Go take your girlfriend, tell her to shut up, and go away," Wes stated with no humor in his voice.

"You can't leave me with him!" Jeff whispered, loudly. "He's going to drive me crazy!"

"She's your girlfriend." Wes pointed out. Jeff looked pained, but scooped Nick into his arms bridal style, to Nick's delight, and carried him off into the darkness. Wes hoped the darkness would allow Jeff to kill and dump Nick's body somewhere.

"Kurt! Oh Kurt!" Wes tutted as he entered the clearing the said boy was in. "Look's like it's just you and me." He grinned evily as Kurt's mouth twitched into a frown.

"What about Thad and Flint?" Kurt practically whimpered.

"Thad stubbed his toe on a log and Flint had to go… hang out with his mom, or something," Wes explained, finding the situation extremely amusing. Despite not being able to remember to say 'over' when using walkie talkies, Wes took this game very seriously. He never lost a single game. "So, Kurt. Are we going to do this the easy way?" He paused for dramatic effect. "Or the hard way?" Wes took slow steps to get closer to Kurt, and stood so close that he was able to see the sweat pouring down Kurt's usually perfect skin. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose. "I can smell your fear. I know how scared you- Hey! Did you just?" Wes yelled in surprise. He looked down and saw a bullet at his feet. Wes's jaw dropped.

"I just shot you…" Kurt said, trying to convince himself as well as Wes. "I just shot you. I just freakin' shot you!" He exclaimed once that fact finally set in. "Wesley, I just shot you and won the nerf gun war." Wes just stared at Kurt. The realization of his loss had not set in. Not even Blaine and Kurt having a celebratory make out and grope directly in front of him could knock him out of his daze.

"Ohhh. That sucks, dude." Wes heard David say from behind him and felt a hand on his shoulder. "You just got beat by Hummel. Kurt Hummel just shot you." David burst out into wild laughter, and had to bend over to keep from falling completely. Wes brought the walkie talkie from his belt loop up to his mouth.

"I hate this game." There was a pause. "Over."


	5. Her Name is Debrah

**Sorry this is so short. I've been thinking about starting another project.**

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><p>Chapter 5<p>

"Oooooh! Kurt! You got a Nook?" Thad asked excitedly. Kurt looked up from where he was reading Vogue on the screen.

"Yeah." He was enraptured by an article entitled 'How to Incorporate Gaga into Your Everyday Clothes!'

"What did you name it? I was really eager to personalize mine when I got it! Dude, it is so flippin' cool!" The book worm usually spoke in an extremely eloquent manner, but when he talked about something that sparked passions in him, he was reduced to ranting like a normal teenager. Blaine glanced at the typically serious boy.

"You named your Nook?" he asked, skeptically.

"We have to in order to register it," Kurt answered for him. "I named mine Kindle." Thad burst out laughing obnoxiously and at a ridiculous volume. Blaine simply looked confused.

"Would you quiet down, Thad? We're in a lunch room!" Kurt scolded the other boy. He slumped down, looking like a kicked puppy.

"I don't get it," Blaine whined.

"Have you been talking to Finn lately?" Kurt joked. Blaine didn't understand that, either. "For a prep boy, you can be pretty dim." In order to change the topic, he looked back over to Thad. "What did you name your Nook?"

"Debrah," he stated sheepishly. Kurt and Blaine looked at him curiously.

"Isn't that Wes's mom's name…?" Blaine asked slowly. The council member blushed furiously.

"That's just a coincidence!" He lied.

"What's a coincidence?" Wes asked as he and David joined them at their typical table.

"Thad loves your mom," Kurt explained nonchalantly as he turned the page on his non-magazine. The Asian met his best friend's eyes and they laughed simultaneously.

"That was a really lame 'Your Mom' joke, Kurt," David said, still laughing.

"He's not kidding. Thad really does have a crush on Wes's mom." Jeff said. All of the boys turned to look at him.

"When did you get here?" Blaine asked, confused once again. The blonde shrugged his shoulders, unconcerned.

"I've been here."

"No you haven't!" Blaine protested. A voice came from the opposite end of the table.

"Yes he has." Nick was immediately interrupted.

"Where are all these people coming from?" Blaine yelled, yet again completely confused. He had just come out of a 20 page Calculus test. It was safe to say his brain was a little fried. Nick ignored the boy's outburst.

"Besides, when Jeff and I got here is not the point. The point is that Thad has a creepy obsession with Wes-y poo's mommy." The boys all stared at him. They were doing that more and more often. "What? It's true."

"No, it's not! I do not like your mom, Wes," Thad denied the accusations. Wes looked part confused, part amused, but mostly disgusted.

"You have a picture of her in your wallet." Jeff countered. Wes, David, Kurt and Blaine turned their heads to bore their eyes into Thad. They were completely shocked and considerably creeped out.

"That is **so **messed up, dude." David voiced what everyone was thinking. The entire table sat and stared at their food. The usual discussions of Warbler set lists and hot celebrities (males or females) were completely gone. The seven boys sat in awkward silence.

"Sooo… anyone want to change the subject?" Kurt asked tentatively. No one knew how to do that; no one except Thad.

"So, Kurt, have you and Blaine had sex yet?" For what felt like the hundredth time that lunch block, the other six boys gaped at him. "What?" he asked, meeting amused glances and glares. "You asked someone to change the subject!"


	6. IS THAT MY UNDERWEAR?

**Wow, it took me forever to update this. I'm sorry. You're probably all gone now, but if you're still here I'd love to hear from you!**

**I think this is going to be the last chapter unless I get some specific prompts. I just don't really have enough inspiration for a quick oneshot as often as I did when I started this (obviously).**

**I don't own Glee. And thank you for reading. :)**

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><p>"What did you do with my underwear?" Blaine asked Wes and David suspiciously. The two glanced at each other quickly then back to Blaine.<p>

"Nothing…." They said simultaneously.

"I don't believe you!" Blaine knew he would regret inviting his friends over for a sleepover. Why would he ever think they would be mature enough to handle such a thing? "What did you do with my underwear?" He repeated more forcefully. He, once again, received no helpful response. The other two boys simply giggled as Blaine adjusted the towel around his hips. He had just gotten out of the bathroom and gone to put clothes on only to find his underwear drawer completely void of underwear.

Wes and David had moved quickly while Blaine had taken his shower. They were definitely ninjas: Straight up gangsta ninjas. They took his boxers, and overwhelmingly large amount of briefs and hid them throughout the room. Under the bed, in the closet, under a pillow, behind the alarm clock, on top of the fan, and any other place they could think of.

"Gay boys and their hygiene," Wes stated exasperatedly. David shook his head and tutted as a sign of agreement.

"Why would he ever take a shower while we are at his house? That was a dumb move, Mr. Dapper Pants." David laughed as he flopped on said boy's bed. When Blaine came out, they certainly had gotten the yelling they expected. What they had not expected was Blaine to chase them about the room.

"TELL ME WHERE MY UNDERWEAR IS!" Blaine yelled frantically, while running and clutching the towel keeping him from being exposed to his best friends.

"NEVER!" They replied and jumped about the room, climbing over various objects like monkeys. David jumped on top of a dresser as Wes rolled over the bed. Blaine stood in the middle of the room, in between the two locations, switching his glare from boy to boy.

"I swear to God, somebody needs to tell me where my underwear is or I kill you both painfully. Kurt is supposed to come over in a few minutes and- OMIGOD. Kurt's coming over in a few minutes! Wes! David! Give me my underwear! Pronto! I can't let him see me like this. I'm supposed to be his dapper boyfriend. That's why people call me Mr. Dapper Pants."

"Wait, you know that people call you that?" David interrupted Blaine's rant.

"Yes, of course. Anyway, Kurt is my boyfriend and he expects me to be handsome and irresistible and put together and…. Blaine-y and certainly not 'Wes 'n David-afied'. I have officially coined that term by the way. Continuing on the subject, in order for me to be the perfect boyfriend for Kurt and for him to see me all handsome and beautiful and gorgeous and put together and totally NOT flustered, I kind of NEED to have underwear on. So PLEASE GIVE ME MY UNDERWEAR!" By the end of his speech, Blaine was hyperventilating, and Wes and David had to avoid peeing in their pants- which was more difficult a feet than one would imagine.

"Fine, we'll tell you…" Wes sighed dramatically, sitting up on the bed and leaning towards the frantic nearly naked boy in the middle of the room.

"Yeah, it's only fair." David agreed from his perch on the dresser. "But before we tell you, I would like to point out that I feel very much like I am one with Pavarotti. After perching here on this high spot, I feel as though I could spread my wings and-"

"Underwear?" Blaine interrupted.

"He could spread his wings and underwear?" Wes laughed out loud obnoxiously as Blaine glared and David blushed.

"Shut up. Where is my underwear?" Blaine demanded.

"Calm down, dude. Don't get your briefs in a twist." David giggled at his own joke.

"Ha. Ha. Now tell me! Seriously! Kurt's going to be here any minute!"

"Okay," Wes began slowly. "We simply hid your beloved undergarments everywhere. Not in one specific place." Blaine froze. His two best friends could practically see the steam coming from his nose and ears.

"WHAT? You mean I have been chasing you around and losing my precious voice just for you to tell me that there is NO hiding place?" Blaine glared at the two boys who were now standing beside each other in front of him. They nodded their heads grinning. "I am going to slowly rip out your stomachs using a spoon and hang you from a tree by your entrails." Blaine threatened.

"Yum!" Wes yelled enthusiastically.

"Sounds tasty!" David agreed. Blaine's left eye began to twitch as he became more angry by the second. Wes and David made eye contact quickly, ran past him into the hallway and down the stairs. Grumbling, Blaine collected his boxers, briefs and various other undergarments he had really preferred no one would ever see and returned them to their specific drawer. He got dressed as fast as he possibly could, but before he could put an ounce of hair gel in his hair, Kurt walked into his room.

"Hi, sweetie!" Blaine greeted him happily, and walked up to him.

"Hi, baby," Kurt replied softly and wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck as Blaine's arms went around his waist. They kissed softly and slowly; just a little peck, but it was so nice for both of them to get affection from the other. "How has your day been?" Kurt asked gently, as though he knew that Blaine had been having an interesting evening.

"You don't even know, Kurt. It's been ridiculous. Wes and David stole my underwear while I was-" Kurt's shriek stopped Blaine's rant practically before it began.

"Blaine, why are there BOXERS on my HEAD?" Kurt yelled shrilly. Blaine looked to the door. Wes and David stood by the light switch, and thus by the switch for the fan. _Good luck getting out of this one_, their matching devious looks suggested. They giggled evilly and ran from the premises, hoping to keep their intestines where they belonged.

"Umm…" Blaine began. "Wes and David turned the fan on."


	7. My Hips Don't Bring Sexy Back

**It's been a while since I've had the inspiration for a new one. I recently looked over the reviews for this again, and I found one from DarrenCrissIsMyEdwardCullen prompting the Warblers serenading Kurt with random/stupid/silly songs. So, this isn't quite that, but.. well, I guess you'll see. I hope you enjoy! It's also not quite as funny as the usual ones. Sorry. **

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><p>Kurt strutted through the mall, arms linked with Mercedes', as though he was on a catwalk. He had originally had plans to hang out with Blaine, but his boyfriend blew him off to do something else. So he rearranged his day to go to the mall; this was a much better use of his time anyway. He was in need of a girl's day.<p>

"Can we go to Saks?" Kurt asked his best girl friend with a bit of a whine. She had dragged him through Pac Sun and all of her other favorite stores- he just wanted to shop in some classier stores. He'd never say that out loud to her, though; he'd be shot.

"Sure, boo." Mercedes smiled at him in affirmation and turned around, dragging him with her. Kurt stuck his heels into the ground and halted their progress.

"Umm, Cedes.." He started.

"Yeah?" She replied innocently.

"Saks is in the other direction." Kurt pointed out, attempting to turn them around. Mercedes simply continued walking the direction they were facing, however.

"The escalators are this direction, Kurt! I'm not taking the stairs." She put one hand on her hip and brought her other hand in front of her, sticking one finger up. "Nobody can force me. Not even you." And with a huff, she walked toward the escalators.

Kurt rolled his eyes and followed her even though he felt she was being unreasonable. They were walking more than they would have to if they had just listened to him!

As they made their way down the escalator, the background music became increasingly quieter. Kurt looked around and noticed that he was in the exact spot he had flash- mobbed Rachel previously. He had an odd feeling something was about to happen to him.. He looked at Mercedes and she was grinning wildly.

"Cedes, what's going on?" She smirked and shook her head.

"I can't tell you that. That would ruin everything."

Just as Kurt's feet hit the floor off of the escalator, a hum started up in the crowd, and someone tackled him from behind. Kurt shrieked dramatically and tried to knock the person off of him. He heard familiar laughter and immediately stopped fighting.

"I should have known." He drawled. "Blaine, what's going on?" Kurt turned around and raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend.

"What? I can't surprise you at the mall?" Blaine asked innocently. He hugged Kurt around his waist, and nuzzled his face into the irritated boy's neck.

"Not when you're wearing your Warbler's uniform. Especially since it's a Saturday. Give up the plan, Blaine. You can't surprise me. I've caught you!" Kurt felt triumphant. Blaine couldn't scare him or surprise him anymore. Whatever he was planning could not be executed any longer.

"Oh yeah?" Blaine smirked, and with a laugh he stuck two fingers with his mouth and whistled. Kurt glared at him- hard. "Watch this."

One by one, various Warblers began to appear throughout the crowd in the mall. They were, of course, wearing their uniforms. They looked, of course, extremely dapper. Kurt wondered how he hadn't noticed them previously.

They set up in their normal starting position and when Blaine nodded his head, they began an intricate routine starting with.. a completely recognizable and ridiculous song. How embarrassing. After the intro, which had all the Warblers dancing like strippers- in the middle of the mall- Blaine began to sing.

_I'm bringing sexy back.._

Kurt couldn't believe what was happening directly in front of his face. He couldn't believe Blaine was bringing it closer to his face, and right up against him. He couldn't believe Blaine was singing it right in his ear!

_Those other boys don't know how to act_

Kurt smirked, looking around at all the Warblers, and said, "Yeah they do." Blaine growled the next line after pulling Kurt closer to him.

_I think it's special what's behind your back, so turn around and I'll pick up the slack _

Kurt shouted, "_Take em to the bridge!" _and Wes picked up where Blaine left off, seeing he was occupied. Kurt and Blaine began playing a game of cat and mouse, chasing each other around the dancing Warblers. It was playful and sexy.

_It's just that no one makes me feel this way.._

Kurt turned abruptly to see Jeff getting really into it; he'd always admired the blonde boy's body and dance moves. Without really thinking about it, he started singing. A new song.

_Hey boy, I can see your body moving- half animal, half man_

The Warblers seamlessly changed songs in the background behind Kurt's lead. Noticing Kurt singing directly at him, Jeff moved closer. They began dancing in sync as Kurt continued singing. Blaine watched on in envy.

_I don't, don't really know what I'm doing _

Kurt sang, throwing his arms up in the air, without care. Then, he looked directly at Blaine, singing the next part, obviously trying to get some point across.

_But you seem to have a plan…_

They continued writhing together as Kurt sang.

…_that's a bit too hard to explain_

Blaine was tired of Kurt stealing the show and making things tense. He just wanted to dance with his boyfriend. So he would.

_Come here, boy!_

He changed the song back effortlessly, the Warblers adding in _Go ahead, be gone with it._

_Come to the back_

Blaine gestured at his boyfriend who jutted his hip out sassily. He wasn't coming that easily after being publicly embarrassed.

_VIP_

Kurt shook his head. No amount of sweet- talking was going to change his mind.

_Drinks on me_

Blaine offered. Kurt laughed. Score!

_Let me see what you're twerking with_

Blaine suggested, lifting an eyebrow and gesturing to Kurt's booty. Kurt acted as though he was scandalized by the thought.

_Look at those hips_

Blaine licked his lips.

_You make me smile_

Kurt did make him smile. All the time. He loved his boyfriend. A lot.

_Go ahead, child_

Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms and hugged him. The Warblers let out one final _Go ahead, be gone with it _before Blaine dipped Kurt and ended everything with

_Get your sexy on._

The Warblers all applauded for each other and their wonderful performance. Blaine lifted Kurt from his dip, and gave his boyfriend a sheepish grin.

"So you didn't like it?" He asked. Kurt couldn't help but grin.

"I did like it.. I just don't like you surprising me like that. You really need to stop." Kurt pouted. His life was crazy enough without his boyfriend sporadically performing musical numbers for him. Especially blatantly sexual musical numbers in front of large crowds of people.

"Okay, baby." Blaine grinned and nuzzled their noses together. Kurt then realized something- rather out of the blue.

"Where's Mercedes?" He asked his boyfriend. He honestly had no clue where his best girl friend had gone. She had disappeared as soon as his boyfriend's display started.

"I don't know…" Kurt and Blaine made their way around the corner to see the entire New Directions gang sitting on the edge of a fountain. Rachel began to sing, but Mercedes soon pulled her down to sit with the rest of them.

"I think it's time we left.." She stated dejectedly. They all stood to leave, but Kurt ran up to her and stopped her mopey exit.

"What's wrong?" He asked his best girl friend.

"We were going to flash mob for you, but Blaine beat us to it! The Warblers always beat us to it!" She said sadly. Kurt nodded his head and sent her on her way.

Blaine looked at Kurt and said, "You probably could have been a little more sensitive than that."

"I definitely could have, but why bother? She was right. Remember the zombie incident?"


	8. Klaine Cooks for the World

Kurt and Blaine stood at the end of the table filled with both of their families: the Anderson parents, Cooper, Burt, Carole, and Finn. They looked very somber and rather upset. Their eyes met, and they gave each other a look, before turning to their families at the table.

"Now, you're probably wondering why we've gathered you all here today.." Blaine started.

Finn crossed his arms. He would much rather have been touching Rachel's boobs than sitting at the table with all the adults, his stepbrother and his stepbro's boyfriend. The other people at the table simply nodded- some curiously, some without much care.

"Well.." Kurt started slowly, obviously building up the anxiety and intensity in the room. "It's Father's Day!" Kurt smiled brightly! He clapped his hands and threw his arms in the air. Blaine looked at everyone sitting at the table with glee. He and his boyfriend were very excited and pleased with the situation.

Burt stared blankly at his son and his son's boyfriend. "We know that, guys. Why are we here?" He was rather impatient because he was hungry. Quite hungry.

Kurt and Blaine looked blankly back at Burt Hummel. They assumed he was smarter than that.

"We cooked for you all, of course!" Kurt said, as though it was completely obvious.

"Ohhhh! Awesome, dudes!" Finn exclaimed joyously. Burt readily agreed with that sentiment. Cooper did as well. There were happy noises of agreement from every person at the table.

Kurt and Blaine brought out all the food and sat at the table. So far, so good. They looked at their families, eating at a table together. It could always be like that- every holiday for the rest of their lives. Blaine kissed Kurt on the cheek and whispered, "I love you."

"Hey! None of that… canoodling here!" Burt yelled suddenly in the middle of a bite of mashed potatoes. He pointed his fork directly at Blaine as he said it.

The Andersons looked rather uncomfortable.

"Yes, sir." Blaine gulped. Cooper burst into laughter on the opposite side of the table.

"Man, Blaine. Grow some balls!" He exclaimed.

"Don't use that language in my house!" Carole yelled at him, pointing her fork directly at Cooper. She was almost a direct imitation of Burt. Cooper gulped.

"Yes, ma'am." Blaine giggled a bit at the irony. "Your pointing and yelling really made that a great moment. You should consider acting." Cooper added quickly before stuffing some peas into his mouth.

Blaine laughed harder while the other people at the table stared at him blankly.

"…thank you?" Before the moment could become even more awkward, the house's doorbell rang. Kurt stood up to get it before Burt gruffly told him to sit down. The father got up and ambled to the front door, out of sight of everyone at the table.

Shortly after the sound of the door opening greeted Kurt's ears, there's yelling and screaming and… Kurt recognized those voices. He was immediately filled with dread and horror, and the impulse to murder some specific members of two different minorities.

"HAPPY FATHER'S DAY PAPA B!" Wes screamed obnoxiously.

"YEAH! WE LOVE YOU!" David added. "We came over 'cuz Blaine told us he and Kurt were cooking for you guys. We love Kurt's cooking, and it's not like our parents feed us!"

Kurt slammed his head on the table, narrowly missing his plate of food. Blaine rubbed his back comfortingly, for he knew exactly how Kurt was feeling. Kurt glared at Blaine out of the corner of his eye. This was his fault.

Burt walked back into the dining room with two teenage boys clinging to him, wide grins on their faces. They were so pleased with themselves.

Kurt brought his face up from the table and glared at them. Wes and David, seeing Kurt and Blaine sitting at the table, quickly settled themselves down comfortably… on the boys' laps. Wes nuzzled his head into Blaine's neck, and David attempted to play with Kurt's hair. Kurt pushed David off of him before two more chairs were brought to the table by Carole, who was smirking in amusement.

"So.." Burt started cautiously, looking in David's direction. "Are you the one I heard Kurt referring to as Agent AIDS?"

Wes and Blaine burst into laughter as Kurt simply looked shocked at his father's blunt question. David let out a horribly offended noise, and tried to make eye contact with all of his friends; his eyes begged for their defense, but all he got was silence.

The Andersons looked very uncomfortable.

So did Finn.

Carole looked vaguely amused by the situation. Burt was simply confused.

"What did I say?"

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><p><strong>AN:** So.. I updated again. Happy Father's Day/ Day after Father's Day, everyone! Send love to your fathers! :D Hopefully you guys like this one shot better than the last one. **Review?**


	9. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

**I like this chapter a lot more than the past two- I might delete those two. I hope you do as well! Let me know with a review! :D**

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><p>"I can't believe we're all in New York!" Blaine exclaimed in delight. He threw his arms out into the air and twirled around, gazing into the sky.<p>

The Warblers had finally made it to Nationals, and they were prepared to take New York City by storm! …as soon as Jeff and Nick stopped swimming in Central Park's fountains.

"Get out of there, you idiots!" Kurt chastised them, though he could not help but be amused.

"What are you, our mother?" Jeff teased the brunette. Nick laughed at his best friend's antics and stuck his tongue out at Kurt. They both folded their arms across their chests, and pouted where they were standing- knee deep in water. Kurt rolled his eyes at them.

"No, guys! Kurt here has a point," David defended his friend, gesturing at the boy to back the boy up. Wes nodded his head in agreement.

"He does. He does." He added unnecessarily. "A dumb totally untrue point he didn't need to share!" Wes shouted before he and David ran into the fountain to join Nick and Jeff. Soon, all four boys were absolutely soaked. They splashed each other with water, and stood underneath the water flowing down from the mouth of the fountain.

Blaine looked at Kurt eagerly, silently begging his boyfriend for permission to go into the fountain with his friends.

"Kurt?" He began to pout as his boyfriend ignored him. "Kurt, please!" He started to bounce up and down slightly where he stood. "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me in the fountain!" Blaine sunk to the ground and grabbed his boyfriend's leg.

All four Warblers in the fountain fell to the ground in an imitation of Blaine and repeated his plea.

"PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let him in the fountain!"

Kurt was impressed by how synchronized they were; it was almost worrisome, actually. He looked between his boyfriend, who looked so eager he seemed like he needed to pee, and the rest of the Warblers before nodding his head reluctantly.

Blaine pressed a huge kiss to his boyfriend's lips- leaving Kurt momentarily dazed- before hopping into the fountain with the rest of his friends. Kurt watched them play about like children and scream like little girls. They were imbeciles, that's what they were. He wanted nothing to do with them.

Kurt walked up to the fountain, so the boys could hear him better when he snarked at them. In hindsight, it was not Kurt's smartest move.

"You guys are going to get arrested!" He raised an eyebrow and tapped his foot at them, to no avail; they would not leave the fountain. In fact, they were having so much fun, that without Kurt realizing it, they had planned mutiny against him.

Within moments, he had been dragged into the fountain; his designer clothing was soaked completely through, and he felt like a drowned cat.

"Ugh! Guys!" He whined and fumed at them simultaneously. He could not make up his mind as to whether he wanted to cry or punch someone.

He flipped his hair out of his eyes, and looked between the five culprits. "Who dragged me into the fountain?" He seethed, through his teeth.

The five boys looked between each other, shrugging their shoulders and shaking their heads. Kurt could feel himself getting angrier and angrier before… he suddenly laughed. And they laughed with him.

Soon they were all hysterically laughing. And getting mouthfuls of water because Kurt was splashing them for revenge. Then he was being tackled into the water. And so and on and so on.

Kurt felt freer than he had felt in months. He felt alive and young and loved and… freaking terrified.

"Oh, crap! Are those police!?"

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><p><strong>Review?<strong>


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